How Juries Are Selected, Courtesy Of The Onion

August 3, 2016

The Onion featured an article today, entitled How Juries Are Selected, that was too good not to repost to the blog. My favorite “step” has to be “Bailiff issues reminder that court does not validate parking.” The Onion explains as follows:

  • STEP 1:

    Summons letter arrives in mail at worst possible time
  • STEP 2:

    Auditions held for charismatic foreman who can deliver captivating verdict
  • STEP 3:

    Mad scramble to cobble together series of legally viable excuses to eliminate minorities from jury pool
  • STEP 4:

    Bailiff issues reminder that court does not validate parking
  • STEP 5:

    Potential jurors told through stifled laughter that the trial shouldn’t take more than two weeks, tops
  • STEP 6:

    Those lucky enough to naturally exude potential bias get to go home
  • STEP 7:

    Sketch artist signs off on group of 12 people who will be pretty easy to draw
  • STEP 8:

    One last sweep for any hippies
  • STEP 9:

    Excited jurors rush to courtroom only to discover it’s a goddamn department store slip-and-fall case

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